To Thrill And Faint And Sweetly Bleed
by IShouldBeWriting
Summary: Becker takes Jess out for her birthday, but a s sudden revelation turns their date into a disaster.  This is the next in my Becker/Jess "Breakable" series following on the heels of "Where Instinct Fails..."


_"Were knowledge all, what were our need_

_To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?"_

Christopher John Brennan

~~oOOo~~

Jess trembled as Becker teased the gossamer fringe of a scarf maddeningly back and forth over her collarbone.

"Must I?" Jess whined just a little.

"Absolutely," Becker declared as he gently draped the silken grey fabric around her neck, "you wouldn't want to spoil the surprise."

Jess huffed, "fine, but this truly better be a smashing birthday you've planned."

Becker gave her one of his trademark confident smirks.

"Oh, don't worry; I rather think you'll enjoy it."

With one more dubious glance over her shoulder, Jess took up the opera scarf he'd offered and placed it across her eyes. Picking up the loose ends, Becker tied it firmly about her head, making sure she couldn't see through once it was on. Feeling uncharacteristically impish, he padded noiselessly around the chair to stand before Jess. He leaned down until he was close enough for his warm breath to ghost across Jess' naked shoulder. She squeaked in surprise but he was ready for it, gentling her with his hands on her arms and his voice in her ear.

"Don't you trust me?" he whispered.

"With my life," Jess replied with quiet confidence and Becker was suddenly very glad that she couldn't see the complex mixture of fear, awe, and longing in his expression.

Becker smoothly drew Jess to her feet, chivalrously tucking one of her hands under his arm. He guided her gently out of his flat to the waiting truck. Earlier that morning as Jess slept off her jet lag in the guest room he had carefully packed away everything he needed and stowed it in the back seat. He couldn't help a small smile of anticipation as he helped her climb into the front seat. He checked the blindfold before closing the door and walking around to climb into the driver's seat.

They weren't in the truck for more than a few minutes before Becker pulled to a stop and cut the engine. She heard him get out of the driver's side, come round to her side, lift something out of the back seat, then take her hand.

"We're here," he said quietly.

Jess stepped gingerly down, feeling the crunch of gravel beneath the heels of her shoes then the soft give of soil, then the unyielding hardness of pavement. She could smell cut grass and hear birds. Becker tucked her hand under his arm once again, murmuring guidance to her as they went. Distracted by a faint tinkling sound, Jess almost stumbled when Becker stopped beside her.

"Wait here a moment," he said, and she could hear an unaccountable tension in his voice that wasn't normal for him.

She heard Becker's footfalls receding from her, and yet again, the faint sound of something tinkling like chimes in the light early spring breeze. The sound was maddeningly familiar and yet out of place and Jess spent several minutes racking her brain as she tried to remember where she'd heard that sound before. She was still trying to work it out when she heard Becker's footsteps returning. She turned toward them with a warm smile as she realized that somewhere along the line the sound of him had become as familiar to her as her own heartbeat. He slipped his hand into hers; lacing their fingers together and giving a gentle, wordless tug in the direction from which he'd just come. Jess felt him guide her down a paved path, then turn off the pavement and continue on grass for what she guessed was a couple hundred meters before stopping. She felt Becker move around behind her, wrapping his arms gently around her waist.

"You can take the blindfold off now," he whispered resting his chin on her shoulder.

She savored the anticipation for a moment and the closeness of Becker's body. Somewhere closer than it had been before; the breeze lifted the tinkling of chimes again and this time it also brought with it a smell that was all too familiar and yet completely unexpected in this place; cherry blossoms. Jess drew the scarf downward as she felt the softness of a leaf or flower brush across her cheek. At her feet was a carpet of blush pink flowers raining softly from the tree above. And every time the breeze blew, she could hear the tinkle of chimes that she could now see sparkled in the branches of a twisted old cypress bonsai tree a few meters away. As she turned to take it all in, she saw more bonsai, smooth stone cairns and lanterns, and a tranquility garden. Laid out before her on the grass was a checked wool blanket and a picnic hamper.

"How on earth-" she began to ask.

"I know you've just been there and had a taste of the real thing, but I thought perhaps showing you there could be a bit of Japan closer to home might make it easier when you begin missing it again."

"It's lovely, Hilary," she replied, turning to give a gentle kiss to the cheek he'd been resting on her shoulder.

"Want to see the rest of it?" he asked with a gesture toward the picnic.

"Yes, please!"

~~oOOo~~

The picnic had been marvelous. Becker categorically refused to divulge where he'd found the authentic Japanese food, teasing that if she knew all his secrets, Jess would have no more use for him. Despite knowing that he was teasing, Jess could still see the underlying hint of uncertainty and fear behind the jest and it made her want to flay his parents alive should she ever meet them.

"You know, Hilary, I think this is the most thought anyone has put into celebrating my birthday in a very long time. Thank you."

Becker smiled at her across the remains of their picnic.

"There's just one more thing," he said. "Close your eyes, Jess."

She cocked her head sideways but did as he'd requested. She could hear him get up and move away from her. He didn't move far, returning quickly to place something on the blanket in front of her.

"Open your eyes."

Sitting in front of her was a small tree in a pot. The leaves were almond shaped, colored a dark glossy green. Hanging from the branches were 3 mottled yellow and green fruits. Jess scratched the skin of one of the fruit, leaning over to inhale deeply of it's scent.

"Oh god I've missed that smell so much! There's nothing quite like it. Where on earth were you able to find a Yuzu tree in London?"

Becker leaned in to smell the fruit for himself.

"I might have had a little help with that," Becker admitted. "Matt knows quite a lot of the exotic horticulturalists in the area."

"Did you tell Matt that was for me," Jess sputtered as she swallowed rather more tea than she'd intended.

"No, just told him what I was looking for. He's been a bit distracted lately. I think his father's death has been rather upsetting."

Becker could see Jess' expression turn thoughtful at mention of Matt's father. While they'd never met the man, it was obvious to them both that the loss had affected their colleague deeply.

Before she could dwell on it further, he asked, "So, how was your visit with your mum? Did you get to see your old school friends while you were there?"

Jess smiled, "mum's doing so well. She seems to really be settled in there. I don't think she's going to be coming back again for quite some time. I'm a little worried about Yuriko. She's gotten engaged and while the man seems wonderful, I'm worried that they're both still a bit young to marry."

"How so?" Becker asked.

"They're neither of them finished with university yet. That just seems so very young to be getting married and they're a year older than I am."

Becker looked at her stunned.

"Exactly how old are you, Jess?" he asked carefully.

"I turn twenty tomorrow," she replied. "You didn't know?"

"No. I guess I should have, if I'd been paying any attention at all. You did mention that you were on your placement year from uni, and-" Becker broke off, shaking his head.

Jess reached out to him but she stopped when he flinched away from her touch.

"What's wrong?" she asked, completely baffled.

"I had no idea. I'm a bloody idiot," he said.

When he refused to say anything more, Jess gave up trying to continue the conversation. She sat, in silent painful confusion, watching the man across from her shut down again. All the emotional walls she'd so carefully torn down were being rebuilt before her very eyes. Unable to stand it any longer, she pulled together what little was left of her wits and asked for a ride back to her flat, pleading fatigue. Becker nodded and together they packed up the remains of their picnic. The walk back to his truck and the ensuing drive were tortuously quiet. By the time they arrived, Jess wanted nothing more than to escape from his company so she could finally give in to her desire to cry.

She still had no idea what had suddenly gone wrong.

~~oOOo~~

"_I've lived to bury my desires,_

_And see my dreams corrode with rust;_

_Now all that's left are fruitless fires_

_That burn my empty heart to dust."_

- - - -Aleksandr Pushkin


End file.
